They Can’t All Be M*A*S*H: 10 Failed Attempts To turn Hit Movies Into Hit TV Shows

Most folks know that M*A*S*H, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Alice (based on Martin Scorsese’s ALICE DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE) were successful long-running TV series based on popular movies, but there have been dozens of other adaptations that didn’t make the grade and are largely forgotten these days.

For one misguided reason or another most of them barely finished out a season with only a handful of episodes airing and a few never made it past the pilot stage. Here are 10 of the most notable, or most amusing, failures to translate booming box office into ratings sensation:

1. Delta House (Based on NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE) (1979) 

As a mid season replacement that only ran 13 episodes, this actually had decent ratings but was brought down by battles with the network (ABC). Retaining several of the original cast members (John Vernon, James Widdoes, Stephen Furst, and Bruce McGill), Delta House had the impossible task of making gross out frat boy humor work in prime time with canned laughter. 

With Josh Mostel standing in for John Belushi's Bluto (understandably too big and busy with SNL and THE BLUES BROTHERS at that time to do such a sitcom) as his brother Jim 'Blotto' Blutarsky, the show was either too tame or too lame to catch on. Still it had its moments and it's worth looking up on YouTube if only to see a young Michelle Pfeiffer (credited as "The Bombshell") slutting it up on the Delta's crusty couch. Also worth noting: John Hughes wrote 5 episodes.

2. Fargo (1997)

This is odd indeed, a pilot directed by Kathy Bates based on the Coen Brothers classic with Edie Falco (best known as Carmella Soprano) in the Marge Gunderson role made famous by Frances McDormand. A few minutes are below and it's funny to see Falco in the get-up and accent - comes off pretty SNL-ish really:

Despite that it's not a bad clip. By the way it's dated 2003 because it was aired that year as part of the now defunct Trio channel's "Brilliant But Canceled" series. The episode looks like it would be a nice bonus feature on a future DVD and Blu ray edition of FARGO. Which brings us to:

3. Black Bart (Based on BLAZING SADDLES) (1975) As an extra on the 30th Anniversary edition DVD of BLAZING SADDLES this is a fairly unfunny pilot yet still a likable curio. Featuring Louis Gossett Jr. and Steve Landesberg in the Clevon Little and Gene Wilder parts respectively and an obnoxious laugh track (see also #1 on this list) this acts as further proof that a raunchy R-rated movie can not be successfully sanitized into sitcom fodder.

4. Parenthood (1990-1991)

This was actually a decent Thirtysomething styled show with a solid cast including Ed Begley Jr, Jane Atkinson, David Arquette, Thora Birch, Leonardo DiCaprio (!), and the recently deceased Ken Ober. Zachary La Voy and Ivyann Schwan reprised their roles from the film and Ron Howard executive produced. The show was written by Joss Whedon who, of course, would have better luck with future endeavors. In the last year a second attempt to adapt the 1989 movie has materialized with Peter Krause, Lauren Graham, Craig T. Nelson, and Bonnie Bedalia. It's only appearing on this list as a footnote to the 1990 version as it hasn't aired yet.

-->5. Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1973) I was unable to find any clips of this adaptation of the racy 1969 movie but the concept of sitcom-izing these 2 married couples struggling through the sexual revolution is baffling at best. Robert Urich, Anne Archer, David Spielberg, and Anita Gillette take the places of their big screen counterparts (Robert Culp, Natalie Wood, Elliot Gould, and Diane Cannon) and Jodie Foster appeared in 2 episodes as Ted and Alice's daughter but reportedly the show was too much titillation for network censors and not enough titillation for viewers so it was canceled after 12 episodes.

6. The Bad News Bears (1979-1980) This was one I watched as a kid. It was cute-crude rather than crude-cute like the movie (or movies - there were 2 sequels not to mention a 2005 remake) and Jack Warden actually was a good television replacement for Walter Matthau in the role of Morris Buttermaker. It lasted longer than most on this with 22 episodes but was cancelled just a few episodes into its second season. A pre-puberty Corey Feldman played one of the bratty Bears so there's that too. Again it was hard to find any video proof of this show but I did locate this promo for its premiere coupled with The White Shadow:

7. Ferris Bueller (Based on FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF) (1990-1991) This one season NBC spin-off starring Charlie Schlatter is mainly remembered for being one of Jennifer Anniston's first roles (she played Ferris's sister Jeannie). That's fine because little else about it is very memorable except that FOX had a competing show with the almost the exact same premise: Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Parker Lewis brutally beat Bueller in the ratings and went on to last 3 seasons. Ouch.

8. The Player (1997) Very little information exists about this spin-off with Patrick Dempsey in the Griffin Mill role part that was played to perfection by Tim Robbins in the excellent 1992 film, but writer Michael Tolkin talks about it quite a bit in the commentary on the THE PLAYER DVD. Jennifer Grey and Jennifer Garner also starred. Definitely another one that would be neat to see surface someday.

9. Revenge of the Nerds (1991) As another lame pilot that wasn't picked up this only makes the list because of the appearance of the rowdy Robbie Rist as Booger (played by Curtis Armstrong in the film series). Rist, best known as Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch but should be recognized for tons of other notable work (Mary Tyler Moore, CHiPs, The Bionic Woman, What's Happening, etc.) plays up the weak material with gusto while everybody else fades into the background. Still, it's a pretty sucky show as you can well see:

10. Herbie, The Matchmaker (1981) I saw this one as well when I was a kid and really didn't like it - maybe I was getting too old for Herbie anyway but making the crafty Volkswagen racing car into cupid struck me as pretty stupid. Dean Jones, who was in 2 of the movies, reprised his role as Herbie's owner and, uh, I don't remember anything else. It only lasted 5 episodes so I doubt I'm alone. This clip featuring one of the worst theme songs in TV history doesn't bring anything flooding back either:

Okay! So, that just scratches the surface as there are many more failed attempts to cash in on a movie's success with an idiot box redux out there so let me know if you have any favorites. I purposely ignored animated adaptations (I just didn't want to write about Clerks) but, of course, will welcome all comments about them.

This post is dedicated to Ken Ober (1957-2009)

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DVD Review: ABEL RAISES CAIN

ABEL RAISES CAIN (Dirs. Jenny Abel & Jeff Hocket, 2005, Released on DVD in 2009)

“When SINA was in its heyday, my dad could walk into any television studio with a drawing of a horse wearing shorts tucked under his arm and they would put him right on the air."

- Jenny Abel

Alan Abel may not be a household name but the stature of his many elaborate media pranks is sure to grow - thanks to this fine film. For well over 50 years Abel has employed many different personas, created wide ranging movements out of thin air, and duped countless news outlets as much in the name of fun as in making a provocative statement about what constitutes news.

This documentary, narrated by his daughter Jenny Abel (who wrote, edited and directed the project with her boyfriend Jeff Hockett), makes a compelling narrative out of the life of man who is not out to scam money from his hoaxes but instead wishes to overthrow the conventions of television and print journalism as wells as public perception. But that’s just a fancy way of putting it because simply what Abel has done and continues to is just damn funny.

Jenny Abel describes her father as someone who “decided long ago that he didn’t want to work rat-race hours in some large corporation” so he fell back on a career as a professional drummer. One day in the late 50’s on the way to a gig he got stuck in a traffic jam because a bull and a cow were having sex in the middle of the road. The disgusted looks on the faces of his fellow motorists inspired a wild satirical notion: a society to clothe all naked animals for the sake of decency (SINA: The Society for Indecency to Naked Animals).

This fictitious organization, devised as a parody of the moral extreme with such slogans as: “a nude horse is a rude horse”, caught fire and Abel hired an unemployed actor by the name of Buck Henry to be the spokesman. Henry, who went on to co-write THE GRADUATE and appear as a frequent host of Saturday Night Live in the 70’s, was a willing and hilarious accomplice (under the name G. Clifford Prout) as old archival footage attests.

Even though Time Magazine exposed SINA as a hoax in 1963, this was just the beginning for Abel and his wife Jeanne who spent decades putting their all into one crazy hare-brained yet strangely plausible scheme after another. For instance there was the 1964 presidential campaign to elect Jewish grandmother Yetta Bronstein (she didn’t exist), the faking of press conferences for Watergate informant Deep Throat and famous millionaire recluse Howard Hughes, and “Omar’s School for Beggars” - a panhandling program presided over by Abel (as Omar of course) wearing a black hood to keep people from recognizing him.

As a collection of fascinating footage and reminiscences, ABEL RAISES CAIN is as entertaining as it is informative and Jenny Abel’s personal approach in which she wants to make clear his motives and let us in on his private philosophies help make it one of the finest bio docs of the genre. “He was never trying to maliciously scam anyone” and “he was so convincing that it was hard to figure out exactly when he was ‘in’ character and when he wasn’t” she tells us and by the end of the film we can strongly feel her affection and awe of her father.

As times changed and the 80’s glut of tabloid talk shows clogged the airwaves, Abel’s manipulative methods were co opted by producers who hired actors to do the same shtick. These days Abel still keeps the shtick going with “Citizens Against Breast Feeding” even though the film depicts his wife and him losing their house and living in a neighbor’s basement apartment.

Political activist pranksters like The Yes Men have obviously learned a lot from Abel’s actions and as have other modern jokester journalists like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert but there's much more going on here than punchy yet pointed jabs at the media machine. The best biographical documentaries are as much about their subject as they are the times that sparked them on with definitive examples including CRUMB, SAINT MISBEHAVIN’: THE WAVY GRAVY MOVIE, and WILLIAM KUNSTLER: DISTURBING THE UNIVERSE. ABEL RAISES CAIN stands proudly and provocatively with them.

Post note: The DVD has a bunch of great bonus material including deleted scenes, raw footage of the Howard Hughes hoax, a family commentary, and, best of all, a 15 minute featurette elaborating on Abel's 2006 "Powerball lottery" hoax.

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THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS: More SPIES LIKE US Than Dr. Strangelove

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS
(Dir. Grant Heslov, 2009)


"More of this is true than you would believe," so says a disclaimer of sorts at the beginning of this film. 

Also, folks should note that it isn't "based on" it's "inspired by the book" which is another nifty indicator that this is as loosely based on real events as possible. 

So in their adaptation the film makers decided to follow John Ford's advice and "print the legend" with this absurd exploration of a secret paranormal army program based on hippy New Age concepts that most likely didn't exist. "Or did it?" they want us to ask as we leave the theater, but it doesn't dig deep enough to actually bring that question to mind for the project just skates on the surface of craziness, never cracking the ice. 

Not to say it isn't a worthwhile movie - it's well crafted with good performances by Ewan McGregor as a down on his luck journalist who stumbles upon these psychic spies, George Clooney as one of the top men of the unique unit who considers himself a Jedi warrior (we get to see him kill a goat with his mind - hence the title), and, best of all, Jeff Bridges as a very Dude-like intelligence officer who may have taken the zen-like philosophy of his training too far. 

As an adversary Kevin Spacey has a one-note role but it's a necessary well played note that happily won't bring smug crap like K-PAX (also with Bridges) back to mind - 'cept that I just did because I'm sadistic like that.



McGregor forms an unlikely friendship with Clooney crossing the desert of Kuwait as frequent flashbacks fill in the convoluted back-story. There is a busy narrative but it's not very strong as the film seems to go in circles in its second half. 

Regardless Clooney crony Heslov (he co-wrote GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK) working from Peter Straughan's adaption of Jon Ronson's 2004 book, gets a good visual vibe going with amusing Wes Anderson-style montages and swift set pieces. With stronger material, Heslov is sure to hit a home run on a future project. 

Funny but not hilarious, THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS is a likable lark that won't make my best of the year list but I can see stopping on it when clicking through cable channels sometime down the line. 

I bet I'll think the same then - that Clooney and Co. were shooting for DR. STRANGELOVE and they got SPIES LIKE US. They should still rejoice though for there are far worse fates.

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