TMNT: Terrible Mind Numbing Tripe

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
(Dir. Jonathan Liebesman, 2014)

Now, I've never seen (or read) any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before. I guess I had grown too old for that stuff as a kid when it was big in the '80s (though I think I saw some of the cartoon on TV), and I completely ignored the three movies they made in the '90s - I didn't even know until I watched this 3 minute video made by Vulture about the 31 year history of the whole TMNT deal that there were three movies.

But this last week I ended my long run of being TMNT free by attending a screening of the new big ass reboot. It was a dreadful experience. While GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY shows how clever and good comic book movies can be, this offers the counter balance of how mind-boggingly bad they can can be too.

Megan Fox, apparently trading in one toy company commercial franchise for another (goodbye TRANSFORMERS, hello Turtles) stars in the clichéd role of a New York TV news reporter looking for the big story that will break her career. Fox and Will Arnett, in the just as tired archetype as her wise cracking (actually not so wise) cameraman sidekick, find out that a mysterious group of four vigilantes has been fighting back against a crime syndicate (the Foot Clan) that has been terrorizing the city.

Fox discovers that the vigilantes are overgrown reptiles that were once her pets as a little girl from an experiment her scientist father conducted before his tragic death in a lab fire.

The turtles all named after Renaissance painters (Donatello, Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and Raphael), and voiced by Jeremy Howard, Johnny Knoxville, Noel Fischer, and Alan Ritchman, under the tutelage of Master Splinter, a mutated rat voiced by Tony Shaloub, join forces with Fox to stop evil William Fichtner from releasing a deadly gas that will infect millions.

Fichter's diabolical plan concerns poisoning the population then his company profiting by selling an antidote, which makes for one of the stupidest plots in recent memory. Screenwriters Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec, and Evan Daugherty even have Fichter say “Time to take a bite out of the Big Apple.”

But fans won't care about the hackneyed plot or the pages and pages of atrocious dialogue, right? They only care about seeing their CGI-ied heroes' mad martial arts skills in fast succession, ginormous destruction sequences by way of producer Michael Bay, pizza consumption involving prominent Pizza Hut product placement, and, uh, cries of “Cowabunga!”

But, I didn't care about single thing I saw on screen in its entire 1 hour and 52 minute running time. Way before they get to the big climatic battle atop a skyscraper I had checked out. I couldn't tell the Turtles apart, even Knoxville (arguably the only one that's a name voicing them) didn't stand out, and the stakes felt non existent in all the visually murky mess that the damn 3D conversion usually makes too dark, while not enhancing any element.

I thought my extreme dislike was due in part to not having any childhood connection to these characters, but my younger fellow critics who had been fans back in the day told me after the screening that they hated it too.

But Fox may have made a smart choice, because from what I hear about its $60 million opening this weekend, she may have another critic proof franchise on her hands. It's also another series in which she won't have to worry at all about her lack of talent.

At least I can now say I've actually seen a TMNT project, and that acronym now stands for something new to me: Terrible Mind Numbing Tripe.

More later..

FRIENDS WITH KIDS: The Film Babble Blog Review

Now playing in Raleigh at the Rialto Theater:

FRIENDS WITH KIDS (Dir. Jennifer Westfeldt, 2011)

With its generic title (not to be confused with FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS or FRIENDS WITH MONEY), its recognizable cast, rom com premise and New York City setting, this looks from the outside like yet another commercial chick flick, but it’s better than that. Much better.

Jennifer Westfeldt, who starred in and co-wrote KISSING JESSICA STEIN, makes her directorial debut (she also wrote, produced, and stars), in this comedy drama centering around a couple of long time friends (Westfeldt and Adam Scott), who decide to have a baby, but not a relationship.

Westfeldt and Scott’s friends, 2 couples consisting of Maya Rudolph married to Chris O’Dowd, and Kristen Wiig married to Jon Hamm (Westfeldt’s boyfriend since 1997), are doubtful that this will work, and so are we. I mean when you walk into this movie, you know that Scott and Westefeldt will realize that they love each other and become a real couple in the end, but it’s the way it plays out the chemistry of the leads that got to me.

So what that it hits all the standard rom com story beats when it has as sharp and witty a screenplay as this, and this particular group of extremely likable and funny folks (including most of the cast of BRIDESMAIDS) making it pop?

A soundtrack with songs by The 88, and Wilco (no escaping the label “Dad rock” here) helps the flow of the film, which often feels like we’re hanging out, dining, and drinking along with along with the ensemble.

Scott and Westfeldt have difficulty dating other people, of course, but Scott gives it the old college try when he meets Megan Fox, as a Broadway dancer, who every male in the film remarks about how hot she is. On Westfeldt’s side, she’s seeing Edward Burns, who everybody (more the men than the women actually) comments about how hot he is.

Despite dating Burns, Westfeldt finds herself falling in love with Scott, of course, but he’s getting serious about Fox – for the time being we all well know.

This is all predictable rom com fodder, but the sharp dialogue and energy of the acting often made me forget that.

Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm have less screen time than the rest, but they stand out at a dinner table scene at a cabin the couples are vacationing at (See? Another rom com story beat).

It’s obvious to the others that Wiig and Hamm are miserable and on the verge of divorce. Wiig, who certainly isn’t comic relief in this film, mainly drinks copious amounts of wine, but Hamm lashes out at Westfeldt and Scott in a menacing manner that even Don Draper would be intimidated by. It’s a effectively edgy scene – Hamm is trying to cut through the crap to reality, and as heated as he is, we all know that his criticisms are true.

There’s a bunch of humorous moments and a lot of honesty in FRIENDS WITH KIDS, even though some stuff about such an arangement are glossed over.

For example, we cut from Scott and Westfeldt’s wonderfully awkward sex scene to Westfeldt giving birth. Surely, something notable between these 2 happened during the 9 months she was pregnant, right? I guess not.

But that, and a few short scenes that fall short of hitting their mark, don’t keep FRIENDS WITH KIDS from being an enjoyable, tasteful film. Now I’m not saying that Jennifer Westfeldt is the new Woody Allen, but she just entered the ballpark.

More later...